Homecoming

I'm going home on Wednesday! I can't wait. On the one hand I will be away from my second soul, but on the other I will be home for Christmas :)
Right now at work though I am so bored I don't know what to do with myself. Which is a shame, because I'd rather be busy than bored, however much I get paid for it!
Got nearly all my presents done as well, thankfully. Only one sister to go... but the more difficult one. Hmmm. Bears thinking about...

So Christmas is coming...

And I couldn't be happier. Well... to be honest I could, as I am not spending it with my darling. But we can't always have what we want, and I will have the rest of my life to spend Christmas with him so I guess I can live without the one...

I have a headache. Specifically, I have a Christmaspresentheadache. I am normally quite good at finding presents, but for some reason this year I have a mental block against present-getting. It's quite annoying actually. Well I have some presents sorted.. My mum was very specific, I found something for my dad already, my sisters will be simple-ish and my darling has picked his own present.. although another one is planned of which he knows NOTHING. MWahahahaa I like secret presents.

So.. I still have to go and get the damn things. And I'm not presently feeling my best, which doesn't help. AND I'm going home to sweden in a week. So not much time, either. But I will cope /strikes dramatic pose and I will pull through...

The cat is not getting a present, he's too fat.

Time perception

It's amazing how long a week can seem sometimes. I remember when I was little, the week before christmas was the longest week of the year... not to mention the last week before school finished.
Right now the love of my life is a long way away from me and I won't see him for a few more days yet. It's tearing me up inside. Isn't that silly? I mean, I know he's there, I know he's coming here, I know I know I know but still I want to hide under the bed and die quietly, or else break something really noisy, just to show the world my displeasure. I am restless like a caged animal, or else the apathy is threatening to take over. I wonder if this is what it's like to be depressed?
My comfort is Skype, as hearing his voice soothes the pain marginally, and of course Cat, the perennial demon fluff ball of my life. He's really good at cuddles, too.

Oh well... I just wanted it off my chest. Roll on Wednesday!

I was brave, and I am favoured

There still are things to be detangled, but from now on I have someone beside me to make things so much easier. A surprise visit from my very own Zigworth resulted in the even more surprising realisation that lightning can strike twice. I am blessed and overjoyed that I have managed to find someone that truly gets me, understands me better than should be possible after such a short time and shares the same weird sense of humour. This time I truly intend it to last forever, and with a little luck, it will.

Fortune favours the brave

I am in the extremely enviable position of having not one but four people very dear to me who understands exactly how I'm feeling and help me understand myself and my actions. Two are quite recent additions, one I have known for ages and one is sort of in the middle...

I am sharing a peculiar life situation with my very own Biscuit. This can be shared and talked about, which helps enormously.
Next comes Teddy, my own dearest little brother, who cares for me and is willing to beat anyone impertinent enough to treat me badly to a pulp. I am generally against violence as a rule, but it's nice to know there's a knight in shining armour always willing to step in.
Oliver is always there and always will be, I hope. Despite her own problems she is there for me, always. I owe her so so much, but it's a nice debt which I hope I'll be able to repay over and over.
The last one... knows who he is, without me telling. He's one of the most understanding people I've met, and he is teaching me about myself without seeming to. Gentle, caring and withdrawn, he lets me take things at my own pace and has been there for me already more times than I can count. I hope I will see him again soon, although for various reasons it won't be for probably a month or two yet. Thank God for the internet...

An Swedish nursery rhyme comes to mind:
I love Peter who loves Eve, who loves Henry who loves me.
Love is being handed around, but never bi-directionally. It is a situation I am intending to resolve at some point soon. Unravelling this ball of tangled yarn without too many casualties will be a challenge...

Music makes me live

I went to a gig tonight, Scottish band called Runrig. There's supposed to be a thingy over the i, but I don't know how to make it. It was good, although some songs were tedious in the extreme. I didn't know the band in advance which is never good, you don't get caught up in the atmosphere so much then.

Have to get up early tomorrow go to the airport. Hurray for visitors, but why do they always arrive so early in the morning...

I'm missing Biscuit, too. And Oliver. Pesky friends that don't keep in touch...

Grrr, Arrgh

Why is life so complicated? Just when you think you have it sussed, someone will come along and knock all your foundations away for you.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. Freedom, or gratification? Possibility of getting hurt (high) or good friendship? Sod all and try anyway, or resignation? Choices. I frikkin hate choices. This kind, anyway.

It's getting colder here now. I could do with a nice cuddle and I know just the one... but that door was quite emphatically slammed shut. I think I'll knock again in a while, see if it'll come open again. You never know.

Ziggie wants me to come visit in Irleand. I've never been, it's tempting.
Greg was very surprised I liked Scotland, he said he'd never met anyone that had liked the place (although he admitted it was the cities nobody liked).
Adam is getting along fine with his girlfriend - might be moving in together soon.

How can you persuade someone to like you? The answer is - you can't. Friendship is something you can't force, or buy, or talk someone into. Same as with love. Either it happens, or it doesn't. It's not something you can evaluate with logic, or reasoning. The heart doesn't do logic, and you can't reason with emotions. Of course it can grow over time - familiarity doesn't always breed contempt (best example being Victoria and Albert), but... people. Don't try so hard. You will find love, I know you will. In one form or another - be it with me, or someone else.
That, I DO know with 100% certainty.

So where do I go from here?

I was told I wasn't the person for the role. I.e. I am now jobless again. whoopee. Oh well. Time to dig in and start over. Again.

Spend the weekend in Scotland. It was ok, except for spending most of the time in a car driving around. The first hotel room we were in was amazing. HUGE, with an open fire (which was lit) roses waiting on the table and a canopied bed. The kind you actually have to have a stool to climb to get in, some 4 feet above the floor. amazing stuff
I think however that if I do not start feeling something for this quite amazing guy that's been so kind to me, I will have to stop seeing him for a while. I don't want to hurt him but I have tried so hard to love him and I just seem not to be able to. It's quite sad actually.

Visited some memorials. I had to get a firm grip on myself and distance my mind - I do this frequently. It doesn't mean I don't care, of course I do. But if I let myself care openly I'd never stop crying. And that'd be no good.

Another fun-filled week ahead... another adventure tomorrow! Helping to Chose a Bathtub. Well actually I was banned from helping with that as I was told I would not be helping. huh.
Oh well, pizza and packing tomorrow. I love moving houses (I'm not moving, I'm helping out) because a) it never takes the time you think it will and b) you always find things without fail that you thought you'd lost, or that you'd forgotten that you had...

I think I'll go and look through my stuff now, you never know what you'll find!

So I've been temping for the last few days. Not sleeping enough either.
Tried a dating site O.o I even found someone to talk to although he's been ignoring me today... he's been logged in though. I have a sneaky suspicion that he left himself logged on this morning when he went to work! I wish I wasn't so impatient :)

Monday

Ok I've never been one for keeping diaries, but I'm at a pivotal point in my life and I want to record it, however fleetingly and unoticed it will be.

Quick background: In February the love of my life broke up with me. I was, as you would understand, devastated. I have never loved anyone like I loved this man (and I know lots of people say it but it's the God's honest truth).
Having been told by numerous friends at work and out, to never speak to him again, I ignored them all and kept in touch. It has been traumatic but also a steep learning curve. I realise what went wrong and I want to try again and do it right. But to do so I need Mr Right. As it is though I feel I might have to settle for Mr Right Now. Not that there is anyone.

No, that's a lie. There is. But he's in a different country, and married. Don't give me that look please, it was his decision not mine.
Met him a few months ago - no, that's wrong, known him for over a year online through this game we all play, Everquest 2 - I met him in the flesh (and oh what flesh it was) a few months ago as he was on route home to see his family. Stuff happened. Now I'm not sure whether he meant it or not, time will tell. In the meantime I keep looking... if you live in north London... *hint*

/yawn bed time...