Fortune favours the brave

I am in the extremely enviable position of having not one but four people very dear to me who understands exactly how I'm feeling and help me understand myself and my actions. Two are quite recent additions, one I have known for ages and one is sort of in the middle...

I am sharing a peculiar life situation with my very own Biscuit. This can be shared and talked about, which helps enormously.
Next comes Teddy, my own dearest little brother, who cares for me and is willing to beat anyone impertinent enough to treat me badly to a pulp. I am generally against violence as a rule, but it's nice to know there's a knight in shining armour always willing to step in.
Oliver is always there and always will be, I hope. Despite her own problems she is there for me, always. I owe her so so much, but it's a nice debt which I hope I'll be able to repay over and over.
The last one... knows who he is, without me telling. He's one of the most understanding people I've met, and he is teaching me about myself without seeming to. Gentle, caring and withdrawn, he lets me take things at my own pace and has been there for me already more times than I can count. I hope I will see him again soon, although for various reasons it won't be for probably a month or two yet. Thank God for the internet...

An Swedish nursery rhyme comes to mind:
I love Peter who loves Eve, who loves Henry who loves me.
Love is being handed around, but never bi-directionally. It is a situation I am intending to resolve at some point soon. Unravelling this ball of tangled yarn without too many casualties will be a challenge...

Music makes me live

I went to a gig tonight, Scottish band called Runrig. There's supposed to be a thingy over the i, but I don't know how to make it. It was good, although some songs were tedious in the extreme. I didn't know the band in advance which is never good, you don't get caught up in the atmosphere so much then.

Have to get up early tomorrow go to the airport. Hurray for visitors, but why do they always arrive so early in the morning...

I'm missing Biscuit, too. And Oliver. Pesky friends that don't keep in touch...

Grrr, Arrgh

Why is life so complicated? Just when you think you have it sussed, someone will come along and knock all your foundations away for you.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. Freedom, or gratification? Possibility of getting hurt (high) or good friendship? Sod all and try anyway, or resignation? Choices. I frikkin hate choices. This kind, anyway.

It's getting colder here now. I could do with a nice cuddle and I know just the one... but that door was quite emphatically slammed shut. I think I'll knock again in a while, see if it'll come open again. You never know.

Ziggie wants me to come visit in Irleand. I've never been, it's tempting.
Greg was very surprised I liked Scotland, he said he'd never met anyone that had liked the place (although he admitted it was the cities nobody liked).
Adam is getting along fine with his girlfriend - might be moving in together soon.

How can you persuade someone to like you? The answer is - you can't. Friendship is something you can't force, or buy, or talk someone into. Same as with love. Either it happens, or it doesn't. It's not something you can evaluate with logic, or reasoning. The heart doesn't do logic, and you can't reason with emotions. Of course it can grow over time - familiarity doesn't always breed contempt (best example being Victoria and Albert), but... people. Don't try so hard. You will find love, I know you will. In one form or another - be it with me, or someone else.
That, I DO know with 100% certainty.

So where do I go from here?

I was told I wasn't the person for the role. I.e. I am now jobless again. whoopee. Oh well. Time to dig in and start over. Again.

Spend the weekend in Scotland. It was ok, except for spending most of the time in a car driving around. The first hotel room we were in was amazing. HUGE, with an open fire (which was lit) roses waiting on the table and a canopied bed. The kind you actually have to have a stool to climb to get in, some 4 feet above the floor. amazing stuff
I think however that if I do not start feeling something for this quite amazing guy that's been so kind to me, I will have to stop seeing him for a while. I don't want to hurt him but I have tried so hard to love him and I just seem not to be able to. It's quite sad actually.

Visited some memorials. I had to get a firm grip on myself and distance my mind - I do this frequently. It doesn't mean I don't care, of course I do. But if I let myself care openly I'd never stop crying. And that'd be no good.

Another fun-filled week ahead... another adventure tomorrow! Helping to Chose a Bathtub. Well actually I was banned from helping with that as I was told I would not be helping. huh.
Oh well, pizza and packing tomorrow. I love moving houses (I'm not moving, I'm helping out) because a) it never takes the time you think it will and b) you always find things without fail that you thought you'd lost, or that you'd forgotten that you had...

I think I'll go and look through my stuff now, you never know what you'll find!